drained.

omg i am exhausted!!! completely. we're just back from holidays and im feeling more emotionally drained than i have in a long time. so much is rollercoastering at the moment!

i didnt even make a full day of uni today and im feeling it! i skipped the first two hours and stayed in bed trying in vain to get a few extra hours sleep, to make up for the several hours lost. sleeping pattern is at an all time low! i cannot sleep before 2am. and when u're meant to wake up at 6:15am to get to school on time 3 days a week it's not going to be pretty! AND im so over going to china and i havent even been there yet. the long awaited events since receiving my exam timetable have become a nightmare - it all turned into such a big hassle!!

flights have been impossible! the dissapointments all started when i got my timetable. i'd been stupid and greedy and waited for my timetable so that i could then go and book the earliest possible flight to milk the most out of time, china-wise. and of course frigging japanese exam is on the 2nd last day of the exam period. so, if i had done what's advised i should've booked my flight about 5months ago, and i would've only been missing 1 or 2 days time at most.

however! cause i've left it so late, there are next to no availabilities and waiting lists who knows how long! originallymum and dad wanted to use quantas points to score a free trip, but we're way to late for that!!! if only i'd realised!! we looked at so many options, including going via tokyo, seoul, hongkong, but beijing and shanghai obviously isnt that frequent a destination for quantas it seems, and seats for frequent flyers are certainly not many. nothing around for at least a month or two after my exams finish...wasting my precious china time...

so, back to buying a ticket the normal way! dad chased up some agencies today and got them researching flights for me, but alas everything is seriously booked out! and shenyang is a tricky city to get to directly, but finally we have managed it. once again, flying japan airlines, which unfortunately means an overnight stay in near the airport, wasn't so bad last time, only i didnt take note of anything to do with getting to or from the place as i was in a group so i have no idea doing it alone. alas. can't be that hard, heaps of people do it everyday. and yes, technically i can speak some (very) basic japanese though generally one can find an english speaker to help out around airports in japan...so. alas my travelling to china day has now been turned into a two-day trip.. again, lost time. and the return seems to have been almost as troublesome as the getting there! i now have to come home 3 days earlier than i planned, and again, a two day trip, with a 6 or 7 hour wait in tokyo airport like last time. im going to take an engrossing book! last time boredom kicked in mighty early, and that was with a group of people to talk with too!

but, i will still have about 3 months in china, so really what am i complaining about? but argh. the organising of everything is really getting to me. it's so troublesome in every aspect so far. im trying to sort out my accommodation, and then working out when i will go to leo's hometown, and where the hell i will stay when im there, and if i have to pay money for that, or can scab it free, and how long i can stay there, and where i am before that, if im in beijing before that, and whether or not i'll be able to find work in just the 2months in shenyang, and if i'll have enough money for the house and for travelling to all these stupid cities and then to come home, and then what to do about accommodation just before i leave, and whether i would have to go to beijing to leave, and how i would get my luggage there conveniently, and which damn city i would leave from shanghai, beijing or shenyang. i kept changing the departure city, originally i was deadset on leaving from shanghai, and then after i told dad to research the flights for that i realised that that was no good, cos technically leo should already have returned to shenyang by then, and aiya what was the use of being in shanghai alone when all this trip is really about is trying to be with him. oh my god. if u managed to get through that all without feeling confused about places and what the hell im doing in each of them then u're doing better than me!

however, i now have a flight, leaving melbourne on the 23rd Nov bright and unearthly early in the morning, i.e. before 7am. and some day later on the afternoon of the 24th Nov i shall arrive in Shenyang airport, thankfully no trains needed, a nice direct flight, (via the overnight stopover in Tokyo airport's hotel, at least they have fairly decent baths being japanese and all!). fortunatley i now see that the 24th is a saturday, which is nice cos it means leo can come to collect me, in the afternoon, and not be skipping classes. also means i can spend at least a full day with him before he has classes.

the first 2 months should be spent in shenyang, living in a house (yet to be found, i've got one option which i wanna take, but i think its too expensive! and im suddenly not that confident in my job finding skills with only 2months working time! help! how am i gonna pay rent, train fares? etc). anyways. after that... all depends on leo and when he's going home, and if i can go with him, or if i need to delay and then go to see him later. and yes accommodation in that final month is very uncertain at this point. however after that little diversion at the end week or february leo and i shall return on the train to shenyang, and then say our final teary farewell on the 28th Feb until.....


... and that is the most depressing part thus far. the whole costs of this whole trip is so much more than i ever planned. and half of the costs i have to cover! and im no longer certain about job prospects - i guess i just have to try my hardest and work all the connections i can in 2 months! but.. i have absolutely no idea when i will next be able to see leo after this. he cant come here anytime soon that i know of, and even if he did it would be very brief. and i cant go there either. i have no money is the main reason. i have no job, and limited limited experiences. i have to study and finish my degree. and once again i would need money to return, let alone accommodate my living costs. so what's meant to be a nice happy trip is already overshadowed rather morbidly right from the start...and so many hassles in organising things along the way. let's just say im very very disheartened at this stage.... :(

what oh what will be the status of things at the end of this 3 months? im more than aprehensive. i almost dont wanna go.